To grieve really is a gift, because when you grieve someone, you miss them and when you miss someone you know you were lucky enough to have them in your life.
I lost my dad 5 years ago today (when I am writing this) but I didn’t really lose him because everything that he instilled in me became more alive, the fire that was already burning has now became more powerful and determined, but it really has taken me these 5 years and the birth of my second son Lennon to get my strength back.
I was blessed to be with my dad when he passed, he died suddenly of a heart attack while we were taking a yoga class at Liverpool Yoga Studios. My dad had always loved a little drink and smoked for most of his life, when my daughter Jas was born he was at his heaviest and unhealthiest and wanted to give himself more time with his grandchildren so he gave up smoking and when I opened the studio he started yoga and he said he felt the best he had ever felt.
This new found healthier lifestyle, I believe he gave himself a few more years, especially as he was a heart attack survivor from 20 years previous, this gave me immense comfort when he passed although at first I did feel really angry that he was taken too soon, but I now believe it was his time like we all have our own time.
The day my dad passed, I stood behind him in the yoga room and watched him fall in disbelief knowing that he had just took his last breath but praying with everything that I had that he was still alive until we reached the hospital and they confirmed my fear. (We were later told he had a blocked artery and it could have happened at any time, so we were beyond grateful that he was not driving when it happened)
I was outside the hospital in a daze when It had been confirmed my dad had passed, when I just looked to the left of me and I saw a daddy and young daughter holding hands like we used to do, and a feeling of safety came over me, this I believe was the first sign from my dad he would always be with me.
I got home to my mum & dads house later that day and just looked in the garden and there was a Red Robin just staring back at me. Red Robbins’s are believed to be loved ones visiting and it was something we believe in our family so again I believe it was a sign, it was so surreal as the robin just stood still in the garden and stared back at me, it was only one moment but it helped me get though the rest of the day and night.
The next morning I woke up early and something was telling me to go and finish the yoga class we started I went into my studio to practise and there right in front of me was a big white feather another symbol of comfort I believe my dad was telling me it would be ok.
Feathers continued to cross my path over the next year and it always seemed to be at times of desperation there would be just one sat there in front of me urging me on. Because of this I always look for the signs, yesterday when I was feeling sad while I was walking, a little Red Robin was just stood in my path and made me smile these signs always give me comfort like a little hug from heaven.
I truly believe that if you open yourself up to look for the signs when a loved one has passed, they will appear and will help to get you through and well the only way is through! You can’t pretend you’re ok, you can’t throw yourself into work or run away from it because the grief will come and find you.
To grieve you have to give yourself time to be still, to feel the emotions even the most debilitating ones, you have to feel anger, for wishing you had more time with them or guilt for the times when you feel happiness without them, every feeling is ok and is all part of your journey of grief.
Throughout your journey of grief, you can’t pretend you are ok when you are not, but you can find gratitude in all that you had and be comforted by the cuddles you had that will last a lifetime.
The fact that I am writing this shows that time really is a healer and it’s not that the pain goes away you just learn how to deal with it and hopefully when you find the signs and think about the good times that heals you too.
If you are grieving right now, I send so much love to you, let there be an angel always by your side.